Justin Bieber Girlfriend

If my ‘girlfriend’ smelled like this she would be dumped quicker than she could say “Baby, baby oh”

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Donna Karan Cashmere Mist Pearl Essence

Bottle looks like it may hold children's glue. Juice smells faintly of musk. Really, why bother?

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Paco Rabanne Black XS

Death by foam strawberries

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Ralph Lauren Big Pony Collection for her 4

I have smelled more interesting shampoos and body lotions. Avoid focus group scents like these.

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Clarins Eau des Jardins

How hard can it be to make a good cologne? Bottle says: 'Uplifts, refreshes, captivates' Bores rigid more like.

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Estée Lauder Spellbound

High pitched, syrupy white floral stuck on full volume. As gaudy and horrid as Britney Spears in pink velour

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Bond No 9 I Love New York for Father's Day

Boring, watery, vaguely green thing - thoroughly uninspired and not fit for fathers. Yawn

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Bond No 9 I Love New York For Earth Day

Clean, green and mean shampoo-like floral of no real interest. Dreck

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Justin Bieber Someday

No, just no

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Annick Goutal Les Soliflores Limited Editions Lily of The Valley

Obviously the patch of flowers where the cat had a wee! Why bother.

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Creed Love in White

A cruel bright floral with horrendous metallic & dry-throat inducing notes. Scarily similar to Secretions Magnifiques

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Burberry Body

Insipid Rose and Lily-of-the-Valley type bouquet with a tonne of musk. Beige in the extreme

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Annick Goutal Mon Parfum Chèrie par Camille

Patchouli, patchouli and nothing but strong, headache-inducing patchouli. Evil Patchouli

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CK One Shock for Her

Dreadful hyper-sweet berries &'florals' with musk, musk, more musk and nothing but musk. Help

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Givenchy Pi Neo

Ultra transparent anisic-cedar-patchouli accord surrounded by lightweight musks. Avoid if you want to smell of something.

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Lacoste Challenge ReFresh

Fruity, low quality sports fragrance. Cynical. Wish they would stop making these.

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Dior Miss Dior Cherie Blooming Bouquet

"Floral" musk with soap bubbles. Incredibly dull.

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Vera Wang Lovestruck

Smells like a "lite" take on Princess. Lots of vanillin and a little fruit. Fine if you like pink perfumes

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Armani Code Sport

Essentially a lemon & icing sugar ambery thing, just like Only The Brave, but with slightly better ingredients. Blah.

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Armani Idole d'Armani

Painful metallic saffron patchouli monster with weird fluffy feeling florals. Eugh.

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